Lost Love

(I can't always make these posts when they happen. I've been writing them down in a book and dating them so I will now be dating the posts so you'll know when they're written)

8/30/2010

Over the weekend I had a dream about a lost love. I haven't seen her in over 15 years. We used to work together but we could never seem to be single at the same time. When I first approached her she wanted nothing to do with me so I moved on and dated someone else.

While I was dating this other girl word got out that LL was attracted to me. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it at the time except get drunk but that's another story.

A few years later I was single but she wasn't. This went on for close to a decade back and forth.

The reason I was so attracted to her was because she was so innocent and naive and I wanted to be her protector. I wasn't so experienced myself so finding someone less experienced than me was rare. I thought I could mold and shape her into the perfect girlfriend.

I don't know how well that would have worked since we never got together and actually it's a good thing we didn't. I would have broken her heart and I probably couldn't live with myself if I did. I feel bad enough about some of the hearts I've broken. That's not a boast, more like an act of contrition.

I was not mentally well back then. I suffered from severe depression up until about a few years ago. Back then I was selfish and stupid and probably would have done something rash to alienate her.

On the day I finally left that job I badly wanted a goodbye kiss from her because I had a feeling it was going to be the last time I would ever see her. As usual with our unusual relationship it was not to be.

My most recent ex, who also worked there, also followed me out to the car. So if I kissed the girl I wanted to it would have been extremely awkward. If not for that I probably would have gotten that kiss. But after almost a decade my last advance would also be denied. And that really was the last time I ever saw her. Shortly after that I moved away to start a new life and I never heard from her again. Not even in this day of Facebook.

Do I regret how things turned out? Not really. Now that my mind is mostly uncluttered from depression I know now how sick I was back then and how badly I would have hurt her.

Also sometimes the reality is a let down and its better to sustain the fantasy.