9/7/2010
I dreamt about my "Lost Love" again. I don't know what's up with that lately.
Anyway the dream took place "back in the day". We were basically back in our late teens/early 20s. In this alternate history we were finally able to get together romantically and in this scenario we were on the verge of consummating the relationship.
In our little circle this would have been considered a big deal since she had a reputation of being so virginal. She was the antithesis of a slut. But back to the dream.
It took place in my bedroom of the house that I grew up in which is historically accurate for the time period. She was laying in my bed fully clothed. I was just getting ready to undress her. This was going to the culmination of a years long desire. It felt like Christmas, my birthday and a Bar Mitzvah rolled into one and she was the ultimate present for me to unwrap. Even though the big moment was only mere seconds away I kept imagining what she would look like undressed in my bed.
Then like a bad sitcom things kept happening to keep me from her. I couldn't remember what exactly was interrupting us but something kept happening over and over again to keep us apart.
She was being so patient and understanding but just like in real life the moment never came as I woke up.
Again, I take no stock in these dreams. They are nothing more than a nice diversion. I'm sure right now she's happy and comfortable in her own life. I wouldn't mind saying hi but that would be pretty much it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Lost Love
(I can't always make these posts when they happen. I've been writing them down in a book and dating them so I will now be dating the posts so you'll know when they're written)
8/30/2010
Over the weekend I had a dream about a lost love. I haven't seen her in over 15 years. We used to work together but we could never seem to be single at the same time. When I first approached her she wanted nothing to do with me so I moved on and dated someone else.
While I was dating this other girl word got out that LL was attracted to me. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it at the time except get drunk but that's another story.
A few years later I was single but she wasn't. This went on for close to a decade back and forth.
The reason I was so attracted to her was because she was so innocent and naive and I wanted to be her protector. I wasn't so experienced myself so finding someone less experienced than me was rare. I thought I could mold and shape her into the perfect girlfriend.
I don't know how well that would have worked since we never got together and actually it's a good thing we didn't. I would have broken her heart and I probably couldn't live with myself if I did. I feel bad enough about some of the hearts I've broken. That's not a boast, more like an act of contrition.
I was not mentally well back then. I suffered from severe depression up until about a few years ago. Back then I was selfish and stupid and probably would have done something rash to alienate her.
On the day I finally left that job I badly wanted a goodbye kiss from her because I had a feeling it was going to be the last time I would ever see her. As usual with our unusual relationship it was not to be.
My most recent ex, who also worked there, also followed me out to the car. So if I kissed the girl I wanted to it would have been extremely awkward. If not for that I probably would have gotten that kiss. But after almost a decade my last advance would also be denied. And that really was the last time I ever saw her. Shortly after that I moved away to start a new life and I never heard from her again. Not even in this day of Facebook.
Do I regret how things turned out? Not really. Now that my mind is mostly uncluttered from depression I know now how sick I was back then and how badly I would have hurt her.
Also sometimes the reality is a let down and its better to sustain the fantasy.
8/30/2010
Over the weekend I had a dream about a lost love. I haven't seen her in over 15 years. We used to work together but we could never seem to be single at the same time. When I first approached her she wanted nothing to do with me so I moved on and dated someone else.
While I was dating this other girl word got out that LL was attracted to me. Unfortunately there was nothing I could do about it at the time except get drunk but that's another story.
A few years later I was single but she wasn't. This went on for close to a decade back and forth.
The reason I was so attracted to her was because she was so innocent and naive and I wanted to be her protector. I wasn't so experienced myself so finding someone less experienced than me was rare. I thought I could mold and shape her into the perfect girlfriend.
I don't know how well that would have worked since we never got together and actually it's a good thing we didn't. I would have broken her heart and I probably couldn't live with myself if I did. I feel bad enough about some of the hearts I've broken. That's not a boast, more like an act of contrition.
I was not mentally well back then. I suffered from severe depression up until about a few years ago. Back then I was selfish and stupid and probably would have done something rash to alienate her.
On the day I finally left that job I badly wanted a goodbye kiss from her because I had a feeling it was going to be the last time I would ever see her. As usual with our unusual relationship it was not to be.
My most recent ex, who also worked there, also followed me out to the car. So if I kissed the girl I wanted to it would have been extremely awkward. If not for that I probably would have gotten that kiss. But after almost a decade my last advance would also be denied. And that really was the last time I ever saw her. Shortly after that I moved away to start a new life and I never heard from her again. Not even in this day of Facebook.
Do I regret how things turned out? Not really. Now that my mind is mostly uncluttered from depression I know now how sick I was back then and how badly I would have hurt her.
Also sometimes the reality is a let down and its better to sustain the fantasy.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Can't stay awake
My body is betraying me. Not in the 'I'm getting older' kind of way. More like in the 'I hate you and I'm going to get you fired' kind of way.
The other day at work they addressed us about our work performance and it was mentioned that some people had been noticed nodding off during training. By 'some people' I know they were talking about me.
It's a problem I've had since I was in high school. If I am not busy with work and sitting idle my body will try to shut down and go to sleep no matter where I am and no amount of caffeine can fix that.
One night I got a really good night's sleep, got to work in plenty of time and the fear of God instilled in me about nodding off. Yet none of that convinced my body to stay conscious.
I had a large Coke from a fast food joint that I stopped at on the way in to work. Then after I got to work I had a 16 oz. Pepsi, a 12 oz. Diet coke, a 12 oz. Mountain Dew and a bag of cookies. Yet my eyes still want to close. My spine keeps forcing me to put my head on my desk. My muscles still ache with fatigue.
If I were to lose my job over sleeping it would be the end of me.
The other day at work they addressed us about our work performance and it was mentioned that some people had been noticed nodding off during training. By 'some people' I know they were talking about me.
It's a problem I've had since I was in high school. If I am not busy with work and sitting idle my body will try to shut down and go to sleep no matter where I am and no amount of caffeine can fix that.
One night I got a really good night's sleep, got to work in plenty of time and the fear of God instilled in me about nodding off. Yet none of that convinced my body to stay conscious.
I had a large Coke from a fast food joint that I stopped at on the way in to work. Then after I got to work I had a 16 oz. Pepsi, a 12 oz. Diet coke, a 12 oz. Mountain Dew and a bag of cookies. Yet my eyes still want to close. My spine keeps forcing me to put my head on my desk. My muscles still ache with fatigue.
If I were to lose my job over sleeping it would be the end of me.
We can only dance
I imagined I heard a song today. How is that possible you may ask? I don't know but the company I work for does not allow music to be played. Yet I could have sworn that I heard the distinct sound of bongo drums being played at a slow but steady beat.
In front of those drums were a trio of male singers, Latin in style, who only sang the repeating chorus of "We can only dance". They would repeat only those four words. One refrain higher in tone than one lower.
Then I heard a fourth voice who must have been the lead. He sang the same four words but not like the other three. Instead of being percussive like the other singers he sang more melodiously and and would drag out the word 'dance' longer. In the time it took the back up singers to sing it three times he would sing it only once.
There was also a Spanish guitar and a bongo solo that matched the notes of the lead singer.
So I was either hallucinating due to the lack of sleep I've been having or I have a brain tumor.
8 Hours after I write this down by hand I had completely forgotten how the melody went.
In front of those drums were a trio of male singers, Latin in style, who only sang the repeating chorus of "We can only dance". They would repeat only those four words. One refrain higher in tone than one lower.
Then I heard a fourth voice who must have been the lead. He sang the same four words but not like the other three. Instead of being percussive like the other singers he sang more melodiously and and would drag out the word 'dance' longer. In the time it took the back up singers to sing it three times he would sing it only once.
There was also a Spanish guitar and a bongo solo that matched the notes of the lead singer.
So I was either hallucinating due to the lack of sleep I've been having or I have a brain tumor.
8 Hours after I write this down by hand I had completely forgotten how the melody went.
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